So going in to be induced and warned it could take up to 5 days, I strangely didn't mind. It never occurred to me I might need a cesarean, maybe I was being nieve so that was the one thing I didn't look up or prepare for because I was going to birth natrualy right? Wrong!
I had been in active labour for quite some time, my waters had broke contracts were near but far until they put me on that bloody hormone drip cranking it up every 20/30 mins. I asked for pethidine then shortly after an epidural while having gas and air, after a while the epidural failed no matter how many 15 minutes went by and I could press that button to realise the pain relief it just wasn't helping. on top of that I had the feeling to push, apparently the epidural needed to be in a bit longer before they like you to start pushing, after the midwife spoke to the more senior midwife I was allowed to push. I was told I was pushing really well but the pain was really bad with the failed epidural I was relying on the gas and air and that was doing noting for me. The senior midwife came to have a look, baby was head down but turned sideways and still high up so no about of pushing was going to help. They started to mention going to theatre to try and manually turn baby and then I could try pushing again but was told if that didn't work then I would have to have a cesarean, this panicked me a bit but they started getting me to sign alsorts of paper work, I think that helped take my mind off things. Once down in theatre I was given a spinal block pain free perfect, if some what bizarre feeling. Two of them tried manually turning her but she wasn't budging, they decided that a cesarean was needed. I had started to panick again but I had other things to take my mind off it such as, "Is James ok?" "Can you turn the music back on?" " can I have a drink?" The next thing I knew she was here at 19:57, weighing 6lbs 8oz.
Now this is what I found hard, I couldn't have the immediate skin to skin contact with her. It was over half hour and when I was in recovery before I got to hold her and have skin to skin. James got to hold her and it was so beautiful to see, but I longed for that touch It felt like a very very long time before I got to hold her in my arms.
When we were taken to the ward, I couldn't do anything because of the spinal block and the cesarean area. James put her in her nappy and sleepsuit, but I was stuck in the bed unable to move or see much. Once James had gone, anytime I felt Hollie needed attention or She wanted a feed I had to ring for someone to help. I found this so hard as I just wanted to do these things for my newly baby daughter, it was my job to do that not someone else's. It was like this for most of my stay in the hospital, I had to ring for help to feed her, change her or move her I felt useless, yes I understand that I needed the cesarean, yes Hollie was here safe and well but I hated being in pain, hated not doing those important things in her first few hours & days. Coming home was so much better, finally able to do more for her. It still hurt to move, so still had to rely on James to do certain things and at times the area really hurt and I remember crying at times because I just wanted to be able to pick her up without it hurting. It took a good few weeks for me to be able to do things without relying on anyone, 10 weeks on and the area is still sore at times I've herd this can take a while to heel.I have only left her with James once for a little while not long at all, even when I'm in the bath I'm constantly asking if she is ok.I feel I have to be the one to see to her, much prefer to as I don't want to miss out on anything like I did at the start.
I joke about not having to do any of the first nappies, but really I feel guilty, upset if I had just tried that little harder. I know one day I won't feel like this, as I've said I understand the reasons for the cesarean and Hollie arrived happy and healthy, but If I'm blessed with being pregnant again I really want to try natrualy and again would try my best to avoid a cesarean.
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